When I finally upgraded my mobile phone, after much research and indecision, I didn’t actually choose a phone - I chose a camera that happened to make phone calls.

Let’s face it - we often delude ourselves when we’re shopping. That’s why we end up with books we don’t read, clothes we don’t wear and gadgets we don’t use.

I almost fell into that trap.

And then I realised that for me, a mobile phone is just a convenience: it’s useful if I’m late for a meeting, or need to speak to somebody right now and it really can’t wait.

But I don’t want to microwave my brain with 900 minutes a month. If I send two texts a month, it’s a record. And as for instant email, well I’m sure luscious Ludmila and The Viagra Superstore can wait until I get back to the office.

No - for me, the camera’s the thing.

And one of its chief pleasures is snapping copy that catches my eye. So here, in the first of a regular series, are some examples of the good, the bad and the ugly.

Word workout

When I’m stuck in a creative corner, I often hit the gym: just getting those endorphins pumping makes the ideas flow.

It’s also a happy hunting ground for copy, starting outside the building:

The gym is in a leisure park, and these are all the things you can do. But it doesn’t work, does it? The reason is simple: lists work when the elements are similar. So it should be fitness, dining, bowling, movies, cafe, bar.

It’s an easy mistake to make, but it really affects the rhythm of the copy. Here we go again, this time inside the gym:

First, we have build, increase, boost, reduce. So far, so good (all verbs).  But then the list falls apart, and we’re left feeling slightly seasick.

The solution?  Break it into two lists - one for benefits (build, increase…) one for features (effective, healthy…).

Now it works.

OK, let’s go into the changing rooms. If you were trying to sell people water based on its rehydrating properties, where would you put the advert?

Above the urinals, of course. A master stroke (yes, pun intended).

And if water’s not your thing, how about an energy drink?

This one always gives me a Lynn Truss moment (Eats shoots and leaves vs. Eats, shoots and leaves). 

All it needs is a hyphen, so it would read Junk-free and proud of it. But mentally, I provide my own punctuation: Junk, free and proud of it.

I think I’ll stick with tap water.

Merry Christmas.

 … or why language has a sell-by date too

Remember the first time you heard the phrase ‘think outside the box’? Or ‘blue-sky thinking’? Or ‘paradigm shift’?

Once, they were new and exotic. Like words in a foreign language, it was fun to try them out - to use them in emails, to put them in proposals, even to utter them nonchalantly in a meeting.

You could sit back and watch the smiles of recognition or frowns of puzzlement spread round the boardroom table, like ripples in a pond.

Freshly minted language makes us look at the world differently.

Sometimes, we just take an expression and put it in a new context. So athletes have a track record, but companies have an enviable track record. Cars that were self-starters no longer required a crank handle; neither do self-starter candidates, a recruiter’s dream.

Computers were able to handle more than one job at a time, and soon, multi-tasking became something people did too. Assuming, of course, they had the bandwidth.

Passion was once confined to the bedroom. Nowadays, you’re as likely to find it in the boardroom.

Sometimes, we tweak a familiar expression to give it a new twist. So a ‘gimme pig’ is someone who wants it all, and ‘state of the ark’ is hopelessly outdated.

And then, something changes. Coming from nowhere, these words are soon everywhere. They no longer have the stamp of exclusivity, the cachet or originality. Like a joke that everyone’s heard, they’re not funny anymore.

And that’s when to stop using them. But we don’t. And so our readers and listeners simply blank them out.

If you’re ‘passionate about technology’ or want to ‘drive results’ or are ‘committed’ to just about anything, it’s time to get out the red pen and start again.

Be new, be original and be different. And you’ll be noticed.

Look at the following sentence:

Whether or not he is genuinely gregarious, he is certainly a compulsive communicator who revels in campaigns.

It’s taken from a Sunday Times magazine interview with Jeffrey (Lord) Archer, the bestselling novelist/disgraced Tory peer.

As is this:

He bore the two vicissitudes with exemplary fortitude. It is impossible not to both admire and envy his resilience.

Now try reading the sentences again. Only this time, do it out loud.

Something’s wrong, isn’t it? I’d bet my dog-eared copy of Kane and Abel that the writer didn’t do what you’ve just done.

And that’s surprising. Roy (also Lord) Hattersley is not only a former politician, he’s also a veteran columnist and author of almost a dozen books.

So what was he thinking? Did he really not see the alliteration (g-g, c-c-c-c) in the first sentence? Or the clash of ‘vicissitudes’ and ‘fortitude’ with that awkward ‘exemplary’ getting in the way? And why didn’t he simply write ‘It is impossible not to admire and envy his resilience’?

Language has a music all of its own. Think of your favourite poem, prayer or tagline. Now say it aloud.

What do you notice? It’s got a beat. It’s balanced. It works.

Reading what you’ve written out loud will help you uncover any problems in your copy. Sometimes, it’s a word that causes you to miss a beat. Sometimes, it’s too many short or long sentences in a row. And sometimes, it’s plain old repetition.

‘How could I not have noticed that?’ you wonder.

You didn’t read it out loud. That’s how.

Try it. You’ll be amazed.

Though we can just about get our heads around commas, full stops and hyphens, it’s the apostrophe that trips us up more than any other element of punctuation.

As Lynn Truss pointed out in her book Eats, Shoots & Leaves: The Zero Tolerance Approach to Punctuation, there are lots of apostrophes around - it’s just that most of them happen to be in the wrong place.

The humble apostrophe caused nationwide embarrassment for a major toothpaste brand in the UK in early 2005.

Can you spot the mistake? If you can’t, read on. And if you can, read on anyway.

One of the commonest mistakes is to use an apostrophe to indicate plurals. It’s called the greengrocer’s apostrophe, because it’s at the greengrocer’s that you’ll see them: apple’s, orange’s, pear’s, banana’s.

The Daily Telegraph, a UK newspaper, ran a story on this phenomenon a few years back, and managed to confuse even itself, referring to the greengrocer’s apostrophe and the greengrocers’ apostrophe in the same article.

The rule for plurals is straightforward: no apostrophe. Even plurals of initials (MP, PA, ID) generally don’t take apostrophes nowadays.

So when should you use apostrophes? Here’s a quick, no-nonsense guide:

Possessives

In the singular, an apostrophe is always placed before the s to indicate possession:

• the girl’s computer
• that man’s shirt
• Jane’s bicycle

In the plural, the apostrophe generally comes after the s:

• the boys’ CDs
• the members’ ID badges
• the performers’ instruments

The exception to this rule is irregular plurals (where s is not added to form the plural). In that case, the apostrophe once again comes before the s:

• the women’s applications
• the men’s rejections
• the children’s video games
• the oxen’s hooves

Singular words that end in an s have caused endless debate, but the generally accepted principle is that an apostrophe and another s are added:

• Jesus’s disciples
• Sibelius’s music

But the debate continues, and you’ll still see Jesus’ disciples and Sibelius’ music. As with MP’s and PA’s, it’s a grey area (or, if you’re in the US, a gray area).

Pay special attention to the possessive of the word it. Logically, it should be it’s, but English isn’t all that logical, so you use its:

• the council sacked its suppliers
• the choir took a bow, led by its director

Missing letter

Apostrophes are used to indicate a missing letter in a contraction (when words are joined together). So it is becomes it’s, they are becomes they’re, and I am becomes I’m.

Pretty simple, isn’t it? Yes and no. From those examples, you might think the apostrophe comes between the words. It doesn’t. Remember, it replaces the missing letter, so is not becomes isn’t (not is’nt) and does not becomes doesn’t (not does’nt).

And finally…

So where did Colgate go wrong? Whoever wrote the copy put an unnecessary apostrophe after theirs. Possessive pronouns (mine, yours, his, hers, ours, yours theirs) never take an apostrophe.

The writer was probably thinking about dentists’ teeth, and thought an apostrophe was needed somewhere.

As Lynn Truss says, there are lots of them around.

When you’re carried away on a wave of enthusiasm, it’s easy to forget the one person who counts most in the big wide world.

The customer.

I was reminded of this recently by my bank.

Barclays has decided to beef up its online security. Not a bad idea, you might think, with all the phishing and hacking that threatens us daily.

A while back, I wrote some copy for an online security survey carried out by a UK university. The background reading was enough to induce a cold sweat.

Most passwords are frighteningly easy to crack, based as they are on names, dates and places. Sophisticated hacking software simply cycles through millions of word and letter combinations to deliver the goods in next to no time.

So more security is better, right? Well, yes and no.

Barclays answer is to send everybody a gizmo called PINsentry.  It looks just like a calculator, but has a slot for your card in the top.

Every time you want to log on to your account online, you pull out your gizmo, slide in your card, key in your PIN and it gives you a unique, single-use code. You then enter that on the banking website, together with your other security details.

Clever. Or is it?

You see, the really great thing about online banking is that you can access it anywhere, anytime. It’s flexible, portable and user-friendly.

Or at least, it used to be.

Now, I can’t use it when I’m on holiday, at an internet café, on the move using a mobile device, at a friend’s house or anywhere else apart from where my PINsentry is.

Which means you have to carry it with you at all times. But nobody’s going to do that, I said to the helpdesk when I phoned them.

“I would,” said the chap on the end of the line, in a don’t-argue-with-me tone.

And with those two little words, I knew there was no stopping this Big Idea. Barclays have already sent out 500,000 of them.

It won’t be long before one lands on a hacker’s desk. And there’s nothing a hacker likes better than a challenge.

I can feel that cold sweat coming on again.