How to lose friends and influence people

Crossing the line, the trouble with spades, and seeking out the truth

It’s Copycam time again – because sometimes, pictures really are worth a thousand words (unless you’re asking for a copy quote, in which case, let’s talk). Do you Lovefilm? I do. That’s why I joined. No more trolling around the DVD rental shop to scan the bare shelves in desperation late on a Saturday afternoon when the gannets have been. No, Lovefilm is much more civilised. Find titles online, drop them into your rental list, and they’re shipped in the post. I couldn’t be happier. Well I could, actually. If only they hadn’t asked me to rope in my chums. Now I know that asking people to recommend a friend is a great way to find new business. People like people like them (still with me?) so friends of clients are the perfect prospects. Here’s what they sent me:

But that’s not all. At the end of the letter were two shiny credit card-sized Lovefilm gift cards:

They even said A gift from Kevin Walsh. Isn’t that nice? No, I didn’t think so either. To be honest, I felt a bit used. But more importantly, the company dropped a couple of notches in my estimation. Even worse, I’d now be less likely to recommend it to friends.

Horticultural implement (aka spade)

I’ve talked about euphemisms before. At best, they can sound precious and stilted. At worst, they can completely obscure the meaning. A couple of weeks ago, I was walking past the new Primark store in Cambridge and spotted this:

Retail operatives? Oh right, that would be salespeople to you and me. Remember the first rule of copywriting: write as you speak. But this jargon is everywhere. Down the road at M&S (and camera-less, unfortunately) I bumped into a Frenchman puzzling over this notice on the toilet door: Female operative in male facilities Whatever could it mean, he wondered? When I translated for him he laughed, and said he was glad to see the langue de bois was alive and well in England too. Langue de bois? Literally, ‘wooden language’. Jargon, double-speak, gobbledygook. Touché.

Feed me

Whether you love Tesco or hate them (I do both, frequently at the same time) you have to hand it to them: they’re pretty damn good at marketing. From green points for recycled carrier bags to schools vouchers, they get all the little things right. They may be spreading across the country faster than a Gulf oil slick, but they sure know how to keep customers happy. I spotted this recently in my local store:

How about that? Five different ways to give feedback, including a free text and free hotline. Pretty good. Mind you, they don’t get everything right. A few weeks back, they relaunched their online shopping site, and now the graphics are slow, the basket scrolls up (it used to remain static on the right-hand side while the items scrolled on the left) and I’ve been seeing my old friend the hour-glass for the first time in 10 years. So in this instance, they’ve got it wrong. But I’ll forgive them. I might even send them a free text with some feedback. Because when it comes to feedback, one thing is certain. Every little helps.

Kevin Copycam.